Startling News on April 1

Something is going on, and it’s difficult to make sense of it all.  Yesterday, in a move so shocking I can hardly believe it, Speaker Boehner publicly denounced the Republican Party’s conservative stances, to the chagrin of both liberals and the Tea Party faithful.  He also indicated that many of his party’s rank-and-file members are considering doing the same.

“It has been a few years in the making,” said a teary-eyed Boehner, “but President Obama’s recent conservative stances on maintaining tax breaks for millionaires and starting unprovoked and unexamined wars put me over the edge.  Can you imagine how confused the American people would be if I, the top Republican, agreed with Obama?  How would they know who to vote for?  Republicans have to adapt.”

Although it doesn’t happen with much frequency, American politics has a long and cultured history of blurring the lines between conservatism and liberalism.  Until the mid 1800s, the liberals were Democrats encouraging a new American nation to break free of imperialism.  Then came the formation of the Republican Party on the platform of freeing the African slaves.  In the early 1900s, Republicans followed Teddy Roosevelt in his beliefs that the environment should be protected against runaway development, a key conservative issue of the day.

However, Democrats soon came around to the environment and civil rights in the 1960’s, which caused Republicans to reconsider their philosophy and redefine conservatism as, well, liberalism.  Now, as the lines are blurred again, the neo-conservatives are becoming neo-neo-conservatives by adopting neo-liberal doctrines in the face of a neo-liberal Democratic Party gradually progressing to neo-conservatism.  In other words, liberalism became conservatism, which became neo-conservatism, which in turn led to neo-liberalism and neo-neo-conservatism.

“It sounds confusing, but it’s really pretty simple,” said a source within the Republican-led House who has requested that his name remain anonymous.  “The Democrats are becoming more like us, which would seem like a good thing, but it will have terrible consequences for the American people.  Do you know what happens when you have an entire government that agrees on every issue?  Dictatorship!  And as much as some of us would secretly love that, there’s no way we could agree with Democrats and survive as a party.  Anyway, we want our republic to continue, so we just have to suck it up and switch sides.”

The Tea Party Express has released a statement on their website proclaiming, “What the hell?  I give up!”  Groups on the left are welcoming the move.  “We’ve felt a little lonely lately after such a strong backing a few years ago, “complained a spokesman for American Liberals Unite, a socialist, gay-loving lobbyist group.  “Speaker Boehner has committed to pushing our agenda now that the Democrats have abandoned us, and that’s a good thing for Americans.”  Indeed, it is good news for the survival of our great two-party system!

3 thoughts on “Startling News on April 1

  1. 🙂 of course, but the premise of the parties switching on certain issues is bound to happen. The history of that part is 100% true. I mostly just wanted to write something fun. Hope it was entertaining.

  2. I saw Boehner’s weepy face in a news article on my home page around that time, but I didn’t read it. Then you came out with this story. What was I to think? I was stunned! Could this really be? I scanned back but couldn’t find his sobbing face. The article was gone. I logged onto the official Boehner web sight, nothing. Then I checked Snopes for any results on politicians crossing party lines,still no results. Then, after some agonizing and wondering where to look next—-I started to catch on, felt a little stupid, and then I knew it———YOU GOT ME!!!!!!
    Good one Rye.

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